Stepping Throught the Storm only to Freefall on the Other Side
by Bard15
Summary: Not so much of a story, as stream of conscious piece from each character in reaction to the episode, "Frozen Lake". First up...Callen. Next up...Hetty, then Sam. Now, it's Deeks turn...I'm curious how I did with Deeks, since I'm not a fan of the romance genre? Tried to stay true to canon.
1. Callen

**Stepping Through the Storm, Only to Freefall on the Other Side.**

a/n: this is not so much a "story" as a stream of conscious piece from different characters POV. Each chapter will be a different character. This idea slammed me right after the 11/26 episode.

…**..NCIS LA…..**

Callen sat at the beach, watching the sun, rise red, over the horizon. He had been in the same spot, unmoving, for hours since he and Sam had parted company the night before. The calm oceans and gentle ocean breeze, a direct antithesis to the maelstrom tearing through his thoughts and soul.

His mind on constant replay of the last four months; the mission, the missteps and miscalculations. Despite it all, they had weathered the storm, months of being buffeted and battered…picked up and slammed down so many times he was frankly surprised at times any of them could get back up…that the raw, gaping wounds rent across his team could or would ever heal. But slowly they were finding some solid footing and had stepped through the storm…only to find themselves in a free fall on the other side…crashing back to earth at Mach 10.

The hurts to the flesh, though deep and grievous, knit together, scab over and only ghost through memories as eyes ghost over fading scars. No, physical hurts were so simple compared to the hurt that our passions could tear from our souls…the uncertainties that left one literally not knowing what was real and what was nothing but a wish on the wind.

He knew it wasn't any one thing that had slowly severed the staying bonds that bridged together a team of such diverse individuals, but rather, a slow growing accumulation of hurt upon hurt, misstep upon miscalculation; and maybe, just maybe, a little arrogance on their part…that the 'white hat' idea that the good guys always win.

But winning was in the perspective of the winner and the loser. So then, when is winning not winning anymore…when is winning, not worth the price. When do you step back and say…'enough is enough'….and wrap protective arms around what you truly see as important and hold close those last tattered pieces of your soul.

He was not alright…he knew it…could even almost admit and acknowledge it in the light of day. To his dieing day he would hold the blame for trusting Javier, for putting his team in a situation that went beyond life and death…beyond physical hurts; a place that had them doubting their very selves, their purpose and place.

Despite the stoic SEAL way, the standard disclaimer—'this is what we're trained for'…despite honor and mission at all cost, despite chalking it up to 'it's part of the job' and 'its happened before and it will probably happen' again. His partner was not alright…not by a longshot. Yes, his family was safe, yes the mission was completed successfully, and yes, he and the detective had finally come to an understanding to the benefit of all involved. But there was something in his demeanor, something Callen couldn't quit put his finger on…Sam still performed his job with the same courage and fortitude, but now there was a subtle…oh, so subtle hesitancy…a second guessing that wasn't there before. A coddling of his teammates not visible to the uninitiated…and that was unnerving to the agent.

And the emotions that they all, even family man Sam, kept under tight guard…seemed to slip out unbidden to them all…as they rode that jagged edge of fear that every mission brought but was usually so well tamed and subdued.

They all displayed the fears, and insecurities, in their own way; whether Deeks jokes, Kensi's fierce competiveness, Sam's tight laser focus to or his own lone wolf tendencies: they were easily deciphered, accepted and filed away as 'situation normal' to the team.

But Deeks jokes had been strained and forced, his demeanor more guarded and wary, while Kensi's emotions had been simmering just below the surface, to bubble up expectantly and without apparent rhyme or reason to the surrounding situation.

And so, that solid footing they thought they had found, turned out to be made of sandstone and shale…crumbling at the least little weight put on that bridge that spanned the gaping abyss the team was attempting to span to find their footing as a team again…

As hurts not yet healed were again torn asunder by a blow they had not expected in the fragile state the team found itself…when Hetty, the one person they all thought they could turn towards to guide them safely to the other side of that unravelling and swaying bridge, did the unthinkable… and pulled at the fraying seam holding the ragged fragments together.

The shock of Hetty's decision left them speechless and confused…unable to form even a minimal of coherent thought- why…how…what could be so important to rend a team already on the brink…?

As the sun rose over the horizon, Callen's jumbled thoughts slowly fell into a coherent state…his confusion and hurt churning together in a growing anger at the perceived betrayal to his team, especially when no explanation was given. He would get one today…he would get Hetty's reason…

…**..NCIS LA…..**

Happy Dance! Happy Dance! Happy Dance! She's gone…yay! Ding Dong the bitch is gone…at least for a little while…bet the Densi fans are just stomping their little feet over this past week's episode ! 'Course, alas, my happiness will no doubt be short lived…I heard the actress is pregnant, so is no doubt just off on maternity leave & unfortunately will probably be back…and in an amusing twist of fate…pregnant by her boyfriend-none other than ECO's brother! Bet that makes the densi scenes awkward on set!


	2. Hetty

**Stepping Through the Storm**

**Chapter 2: Hetty**

The team would never know how much she struggled over the decision…how many times she read over the file, how many agent's jackets she'd pulled and analyzed…then analyzed again, trying to find a more suitable candidate for the mission.

But the numbers always came back to the same agent. While said agent was still young…still inexperienced in the nuances of a long, deep undercover; she had the skill set required for the mission.

Despite all that had happened with the team over the last several months...despite the emotions she clearly saw bubbling to the surface, Hetty knew they would, in the end, not interfere in the mission. Her young agent would clamp a tight lid on them…bury them; though not necessarily for the sake of the mission, but because in the end, Kensi, as the rest of her agents…shared little of themselves; and without the backdrop and support of her team she would pull inwards and lock down her feelings…cold and laser focused on task at hand.

Hetty frowned at that thought…while it** was** a necessary skill, for agent's to keep emotions in check, the one thing Hetty did fear was that Kensi would pull away too far…not trust her handlers enough. She would have to monitor that situation very closely in the coming months.

She leaned back tiredly in her chair, her eyes scanning the first floor of the mission. The lights were dimmed….only a skeleton crew of less than a dozen techs and analysts were on sight to monitor on-going ops and the 24 hour chatter from around the globe.

But for the moment that situation was on hold as the pieces were being moved into place, so for now she would have to focus her attentions closer to home…the remaining members of the OSP team; and she had to ponder, with a tired sigh, if come the new day if she would still truly have a team left.

She knew she had dealt them a blow with her sudden, and wholly unexpected decision; her total disregard for their shocked continence and questioning faces. But she was not ready to discuss it…what little she _could_ discuss…

She knew of all the team, Sam would accept it first…being forever the good little solder, he would eventually fall into line…continue to follow orders he did not always understand or agree with.

Eric and Nell would be confused, maybe a little hurt, but while they held the OSP team is special regard, it was not the only team they provided for in the field and they were forever in the back drop, moving the Intell and playing pieces as Hetty saw fit. Hetty was confident that while Nell, the teammate, would be a little angered by the suddenness of it all, Nell the analyst would understand the reasons behind the decisions…and she was certain Eric would follow whatever lead Nell gave.

That left her with the delicate mine field that was her SFA and one LAPD liaison. It was amusing to her at times that while her team was in awe of her "all-seeing" powers and seemingly easy insights to all things, she was usually just as unsure of herself as a rookie pounding a beat for the first time; had made as many mistakes and missteps in her long career as any other agent out there.

So, she sat and contemplated the fall out of her decision on these two men in particular…

She knew Callen's first knee-jerk reaction to all of this would be a simmering anger…knew his argument even before he did, as it was one that had played out between them dozens of times over the years…'as the SFA why wasn't he consulted and informed of a such a sudden and drastic change to his team…'

And in return, he knew what her response would be before she made it…'agents were re-assigned and used as was seen fit to the success of the op…and that his clearance did not entitle him to any of the details…surely, after all these years as both an NCIS and CIA agent, the 'chain of command' had not slipped his mind.

They would play that song and dance while both sides waited for the other to hint at the other _'elephant in the room'_…that perhaps it went a little deeper than just moving agents on a playing field…that answer was to pat…to without feeling or emotion.

He would accuse her of not consulting him…of playing with his team that was still so unsure of themselves, even after all these months, and she would counter with a raised eyebrow and a question of her own, 'was his team not field ready…?'

And so the dance would continue, until she tired of the game and told him that she was aware of** his** growing concerns involving the two junior members of his team…that she had, indeed, witnessed first-hand him openly addressing the issue.

He would be quick to counter, 'he had an eye on it…they were dealing…they were all dealing…and was it wise to let these kinds of things just fester…?'

She would then end the discussion there…'that despite what he or any of them thought, missions were planned and coordinated by need, the success of a mission was based on skill set and necessity. Emotions, and even the well-being of agents themselves, were not always a luxury or requisite factor in time-sensitive assignments…'

He would scowl, make it very well known that he didn't like any of it, but he too would fall in line, be kept placated by a few well-placed scraps of Intell she saw fit to let him have.

That left her to ponder the last member of her team…he would prove both the easiest, yet most difficult member to envisage. He was truly a resilient man…could hide his true feelings while simultaneously wearing his heart on his sleeve, and before his capture and torture at the hands of Siderov, she would have bet a week's pay she could predict his actions-not so much anymore.

The lose canon known as Agent G Callen was easy to corral…to redirect; years of grooming by the CIA and NCIS had seen to that, but the LAPD detective had resisted nearly all efforts to tame his free spirit…refused to play the games on the home front that were the necessity in the field. Irreverently questioning, even mocking, their little 'spy vs. spy' games.

She knew the only think that kept the detective from calling it quits was his consummated ties to his partner…knew that were it not for that deep bond being forged through fire and pain, Deeks would tell them all to 'go to hell…'.

He would stay…that much she was certain, if only to be as close to his partner as possible…to be on hand to get any scrap Hetty saw fit to throw his way. But she didn't fool herself for one minute thinking that he wouldn't push her to her limits over the next few months, and gave an amused chuckle despite the situation as she briefly contemplated what it would be like to be on the receiving end of 'Max Gentry's' rage…for over the next few months Deeks would hide behind any shelter he could…including that which he detested most, just to balm the pain in his heart.

Hetty looked out the window at the brightening sunrise…locking her concerns and fears in that place all agents had…and contemplated what she could tell her agents when they arrived, demanding answers….

…**..NCIS LA…..**

a/n: someone asked why, if I hate Kensi so much, I continue to write/watch the show…because I do Love Deeks, Eric, Hetty, Sam, Callen, Nell, Nate…_even Granger_**…& I JUST DETEST SAPPY ROMANCE**…if I wanted to see that kind of crap, I would watch a damn soap opera…(and for someone who commented, it is in my bio)

Not to say I don't like some of the In-Canon pairings out there…love Steve & Catherine, Chin & Malia, Dean & Cassie, and a few others…but honestly, the "Kensi character" is _**written**_ as a whinny, self-centered, selfish bitch & how any Deeks fan can like/accept the way she has continually treated Deeks is just beyond my comprehension.

Now while my comment may have offended Densi fans (which, by the way, amuses me to no end that you take my comments & the lives of "fictional characters" so much to heart)…it was a met with amusement from those of us who are dead set against the pairing…

…and so, my question is this (for densi fans)…by now, for people who read my stuff/recognize my pen name…you know what I'm like…so, WHY do continue to read my stuff when you know how much I hate that character…by the gods, don't read something you know you're not gonna like! Just like I am "_forced" _to forever weed through, and subsequently, ignore 90% of the stories on this sight because the genre says…romance.

Just as you are entitled to your opinions and to fill this site with those kinds of crappy stories…so to am I allowed to hate them & espouse my opinion on them


	3. Sam

**Stepping Through the Storm**

**Chapter 3—Sam**

He had left G at the bar, where they had gone to get drinks to try and sort out the feelings they had over what had just transpired in the bullpen….it wasn't like he wasn't well versed in agency protocol and the usual 'need to know' disclaimer…his time in the military had seen to his automatic acceptance of the shifting playing fields.

He knew change was inevitable, all teams changed up from time to time; at this he had to snicker, despite his somber thoughts, as he remembered the detective first coming onto the team…his SEAL team, despite being close knit, would see soldiers come and go…and his thoughts ghosted over all the men and women he had served with over the years.

So, no, it wasn't the change that disturbed him…but the timing…the abruptness. Most change, whether liked or disliked, had some rhyme or reason behind it…could be anticipated, expected and understood. This had none of those characteristics.

What he did question and had a hard time accepting was the timing of said mission and he had to wonder if there wasn't more involved than an agent's needed and immediate skill set…

He had hinted around that he wanted to wait for Deeks to make it back to the mission from the hospital, knowing this latest blow to the team would hit him as hard, if not harder, than it had hit Kensi…but Callen was strangely insistent on leaving.

As the evening progressed, Callen had ranted in his usual minimalistic and stoic way…but Sam had long ago learned to read more into the minimalism that was one G Callen…so his anger at Hetty for usurping his control of his team was really a confused essay on how and why the operations manager would do something like this, to a team still teetering on the edge.

Things were going to be very tense and dicey over the next few days…weeks…god, forbid, months that Kensi was away; as Callen and Deeks got a handle of their feelings of betrayal. Sam hoped both men could still function after this latest setback. He knew Callen was still reeling from guilt and self-doubt and Deeks was just wary and uncertain…to the point of actually pulling away from the team for months and Sam was afraid of what this latest setback would do to the detective's recovery.

'Damn it,' he raged quietly. They had just got the detective on an even enough footing to retake his position on the team…to tentatively trust them again; to allow them to ask for forgiveness for all that had transpired, both with the case and within the team

He shook his head in frustration. While he was sure Hetty had her reasons…reasons, he hoped to God, went beyond the obvious "complication" that was Deeks and Kensi's growing relationship…unlike the rest of the team, he had noticed Hetty buried in files that he was positive had nothing to do with their latest case; and the several hushed and tense conversations Hetty had engaged with Granger over the last few days left him suspicious, even days ago.

If it had truly been just about the junior agents growing relationship...if Hetty and Granger had considered it to be a major problem there were certainly easier ways to deal with it; indeed, Granger had little like for the lead OSP team…Deeks in particular, and would have taken great delight in calling the detective, and the team, to the mat for the "complication"; no doubt threaten to pull Deeks liaison credentials.

So, he believed it **was, **indeed, for a mission…a mission that would require Kensi's skill set…what he didn't like was that she was being sent out alone, without anyone on her team as back up. Of all of them, Deeks included, Kensi had the least field and undercover experience. And just exactly what skill set did Kensi possess over her teammates or any other NCIS agent that would require her in particular, at this precarious time it the team's healing; he had a sinking idea…knew that the agencies weren't above pulling agents 'personal' demons out if they thought it would give them an upper hand in a case.

He was almost afraid to ponder what the junior agent may be facing over the coming weeks, both from the mark and from her own agency. Who, in the end, would leave the most scars…and at the end, he was afraid he already knew the answer to that one. Sometimes your greatest ally turns out to be your worst enemy.

He sighed deeply, as his eyes looked through the window, taking in the glowing embers that was the sunrise…realizing he had been up the entire night trying to sort through his feelings and how this latest turn would affect the team.

Sam knew he need to find a sure path through his own emotions, to stow them away, for better or worse and be there for his team…to offer a shelter against the maelstrom of emotions he knew would be tossing his team, as a boat in a storm, over the course of the next few days as they attempted to find new footing in the sifting sands.

…**..NCIS LA…..**

a/n: this one was hard to write…while I know Sam would be just as affected as the rest, his training and past experiences would make him more easily accepting of the change in team dynamics, whether he agreed with it or not…I see him as positioning himself to be there to pick up the pieces and try to hold everyone together.


	4. Deeks

**Stepping Through the Storm**

**Chapter 4 – Deeks**

'She's gone…?! Just like that, she's gone…as in, not here and not going to be here for the foreseeable future…gone…' Deeks mind was stuck in a loop; the fact that Kensi was gone…without a word, a text or even a hastily scrawled note…just gone….

His eyes continually scanned the empty bullpen…_everyone _was gone…

Hetty had told him without fanfare…or explanation, that Kensi had been reassigned to a top secret op; and had then walked away without a backwards glance.

He couldn't believe it, had actually smiled for a minute as his eyes scanned the bullpen, expecting to soon be the brunt of a joke…while his stomach knotted up with fear that Kensi had changed her mind and was pulling away again.

But, Hetty wouldn't partake of such a joke…how would she know….wait, what was he thinking; no doubt the sneaky ninja knew before they did, the turn their partnership had taken just a few short days ago. And no doubt, though not confirmed, the two senior agents were quite aware of a significant shift, also.

So he stood there, his eyes scanning the quiet bullpen. His eyes first coming to rest on Kensi's desk…her go bag was gone…as were Sam's and Callen's; were they called away too; was he the only one left behind? Why hadn't anyone waited for him…offered an explanation…left a damn note…

With that, his thoughts turned bitter…yeah, of course, leave the cop behind…he's not an "agent" after all…not like he hadn't proved himself time and time and time again.

His confusion and hurt were turning to anger…'what the hell was going on'…they had just finished an op mere hours ago…he and Kensi were finally going to talk through their feelings and everything that had transpired…he was finding his footing again on the team…felt like he finally belonged…only to suddenly find himself abandoned and alone in the middle of the bullpen.

'Where the hell was everybody…?' Deeks mind raged, he couldn't think…couldn't focus.

He was of a mind to march right over to Hetty and demand answers…but felt hesitation as something Hetty said finally broke through his swirling thoughts… 'She had been reassigned…not them…not the team…she…Kensi…' So, where were Callen and Sam…did they know…did they try to stop it…?

Deeks was suddenly struck with such a horrible, unimaginable thought, it felt like a punch in the gut…'was she gone, was Kensi reassigned because of him…because of their "thing" going a step further…?'

'Was it his fault…' he couldn't bear the thought of Kensi being reassigned, losing her team, because of something he did…he had to know, had to talk to Hetty…plead for Kensi. If anyone left, it should be him…he could always go back to the PD…but for Kensi, NCIS was her life…

Anger and determination giving him courage to confront the operations manager, he rounded on her office only to find her desk empty… 'Damn it,' he thought, as he shuffled around in a circle hoping to spot the diminutive women somewhere…no luck.

His eyes then moved to the stairs and the ops center, but this was not a discussion that he wanted to be public…he dropped his head and sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair: maybe it was for the better, that the rather prickly conversation be had when he had a chance to put his jumbled thoughts and emotions in some coherent order.

On auto-pilot he gathered his belongings and headed for his car…; realizing after several miles that he was subconsciously heading towards Kensi's place. Then it struck him…if it was an extended op then maybe…just maybe, she was at her apartment now…making arrangements…packing…

Bolstered by the thought he sat up straighter in his seat and put on a small burst of speed…taking the most direct route he knew, trade-craft be damned, to his partner's apartment.

His hopes were dashed as he pulled up in front of her duplex…the apartment was dark…he sunk into his seat with another frustrated sigh. He had missed her…if she had even been allowed to her place…_but if she had_…

He climbed quickly from his car, pulling a key as he went…maybe, she had been to her place…maybe she had left him a note…a sign…something….

Deeks quickly let himself in and flipped on a light, squinting against the light suddenly flooding the living room. To the uninitiated, it seemed like a bomb went off…clothes, books, food…scattered everywhere. But to him, everything was in its place…undisturbed; she hadn't come to her apartment before leaving.

He fell heavily onto the couch…dropped his head to his chest and gave a heavy sigh, fighting back tears of frustration.

'Why…why now…damn it, they had come so far these last few weeks…these last few days…' he thought with a mixture of sadness and anger. He couldn't let it stand like this…with neither of them knowing where the next step would lead…so much need to be said…to be clarified and understood.

He felt like he was teetering on a precipice…one wrong move, one misstep and it would be over before it began.

The detective scowled as he thought about this sudden and mysterious "op" that just had to have Kensi's skill set-right now!…whatever those skills turned out to be. Not that he doubted his partners abilities…but is seemed odd that it had to be her…that no one else had her skills need for this mission.

And he again wondered if it was his fault…that Hetty or some other higher up felt the need to "separate" them…but, it that was the case…why not just bust his ass back to the PD and be done. Yeah, he and Kens could still see each other, but it wouldn't interfere in any op…surely, if he wasn't around to 'jeopardize and distract her on the job they could have left well enough alone.

As he sat in the midst of all things "her"…surrounded by her things…her scent…his mind slowly calmed, his thoughts slowly focused.

He shook his head, 'no, it just wasn't right…this thing between them couldn't be left hanging to be sundered and buffeted by the winds of doubt and distance…' He knew that he could and would wait, for as long as it took; but for Kensi's part, he again found himself of the precipice…she was still on shaky ground, still tentative and unsure…time and distance can do a lot to cool the emotions, to consider and fortify self-doubt…he couldn't stand the thought of her pulling away again.

'The hell with the lot of them…NCIS, the PD…protocol and secret missions…' he suddenly decided as he pulled out his phone, 'they had come to far…had been through too much hell to let anything come between and stop them now…'

Of course, and as he wryly guessed, his call went to voice mail…he had too much to say to leave it in a thirty second message. So, he couldn't talk to her…gauge her well-being by her voice, so he opted for his second choice…and began to frantically type her a text message, hoping she would be able to answer.

As he pressed send, he felt a wave of frustration. It wasn't much…wasn't in any way even close to being adequate to express his thoughts and feelings, but it was all he had available at the moment.

So he sat, phone gripped tightly in his hand, eyes boring into the small device expectantly…seconds ticked off into minutes…minutes to hours, and still he sat unmoving and expectant. At some point in his vigil he had reached out absently and snagged her favorite blanket from the back of the couch, her scent still on it as he gripped it tight and held it close.

As the black of night made way to the burnished colors of dawn, his eyes burned from unshed tears and exhaustion, his body and mind heavy, his thoughts dazed and scattered…the techno music that suddenly blared from the alarm clock in the bedroom startled him from his stupor.

He dazedly looked around the apartment and back down to the phone in his hand…nothing. He sat there a moment or two longer, wondering how he was going to make it through the day…before getting up and slowly making his way to the bedroom and turning off the alarm; his eyes lingered on the bed with the bright colors of morning slowly fanning out across the rumpled sheets and he fondly remembered the night he had spent in it.

Rubbing the sleep and tears that still threatened to fall from his eyes he stood straighter and more resolute…as long as he was willing to wait…willing to fight…they would have a chance, despite what life threw at them…after all, he had waited over four years…what was another few months….

…**..NCIS LA….**

a/n: damn but that was hard…I hope it conveyed our poor detective as blind-sided, scared & angry…all rolled up into a big ball of confusion….so, how's that for someone who doesn't like the romance genre…? I am making the assumption that they actually slept together after leaving the restaurant.


End file.
